just hear me out

I'm saying this again. I hate girls named Katrina.

OK, that's done. Haven't had much internet time to post lately. wonder why that is? hmm. o yeah. Katrina took my life away.

well, that's how it feels. I still breathe and I still have my family but i've lost everything else. Even my friends. God.

I haven't hung out with my friends in months. And the really sucky thing is, I don't know when I'll be able to hang with them again.

I miss my old life. I'm not liking the new one, much.

it's Saturday, Sept. 17 and I wish it were over.
I just want to go home.

I am sitting on the floor, in a back bedroom of my great-aunt's house. My grandparents are sleeping in this room. My mom and dad are sleeping on an air mattress in the living room. my sister and my nephew are sleeping on an air mattress in the bedroom where Gage, Brianna and I sleep in the bed.
This has been my life since we left Conway, AK on Thursday, Sept. 1.

Where is Larry? He was sent back to work on Sept. 11. Freeman sent him to Denver for two weeks. He flies back to Houston on Tuesday, Sept. 20. He will stay here with me and the family, until he and I take the kids and my dog and drive to our new home, Orlando, FL.

My house has been declared "UNRECOVERABLE". We have lost everything. Nothing is salvagable. This should be one easy relocation.

How long will we be there? Until tourism comes back to New Orleans, and the Convention Center is ready for business.

Estimated time frame: 3-5 years.

The kids are still unsure what to make of what has happened. They are just digging the whole "no school" thing. My dog is desperate to stop living in a kennel ( my aunt does not allow pets, but made a concession).

I just want to go home.

yep, that's gonna be my new hobby. gonna sell em on ebay.

i found some weird smells, so maybe, weird candles will be my niche.

just waiting for the stuff to come so I can get started.

getting bored with the summer, now. so much to do and no motivation to get anything done.

I got it around 10am this morning. I sent the kids to the movies (they went with my mom to see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory").

At 11am, I sat down to read it. At 7pm, I was finished.

It took 8 hours!

Yes, my friends. In a few short hours, I will be dead to the world as I read the sixth installment of JK Rowlings' magical masterpiece, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince".

Larry knows not to expect food, clean clothes or Sex for two days. Regardless of what time I receive the book, I can promise that it will be finished by midnight on Sunday.

I'll let you all know when I finish it, but I will not be releasing any spoilers on my blog. So, don't ask!

Ok, the festivities are dying down. Well, they should be, but it seems someone forgot to tell the idiots down the street who keep setting off bottlerockets. It freaks my dog out!
Let's see...we swam, ate fried chicken until it came out of our ears and watched the fireworks display at the local park. I'd say it was a nice, family-oriented 4th.
Now, Larry is watching "Night of the Living Dead" (that movie creeps me out in ways too numerous to mention), the twins are sleeping and I am watching the weather forum for updates on the brewing storm in the Gulf.

Oh, I promised pics, didn't I? OK, here's the deal. I haven't taken any. Well, that's not completely true, but the truth is I haven't uploaded them into the computer, yet. I will. Maybe tomorrow, but I have to cut the grass before all the rains starts, so I may not get to it until tomorrow night. My point....Soon, I will have pics.

***scratches head, trying to remember what pics I was supposed to upload. chuckles to self.

haven't updated in a month or so.

so much has happened and as much as I need to update, i'm too tired.

cliff notes version:

1. larry is in california for two weeks.


2. school is out for the kids.


3. i am finished babysitting the nephew.


4. unemployment is almost over and I still haven't found a day job.


5. home remodel is almost finished.


6. house of shock work will resume next month.

i'll upload pics soon.

ever walk on the beach and feel the sand between your toes?
it's soft and scratchy at the same time.
the waves crashing on the shore, the wind and the smell.
the sunset on a beach setting is awesome.

sand is a key ingredient in glass. or is it diamonds?
i can't remember. but i usually don't mind sand.

the feeling of it on your body after a day sunbathing and hanging out
is just the feeling of the day. it washes off with your next shower.

but you don't build the foundation of a house with sand. sand isn't strong enough to support the house. eventually, the sand will shift and the walls will wobble. the wood will bow and bend.
if you secure the foundation and replace the sand with cement, you can repair the house. if you don't, the wood will eventually break and the house will come tumbling down.

splintered, broken, irreparable. not to be fixed, but discarded and replaced.
never to be forgotten, just an old, sweet memory of the house that use to be.

On my yin side: Music, movies, motorcycles, tattoos, piercings, horror, the occult, vampires, mythology, and strange phenomenon. On the yang side: Cooking, Decorating, Child rearing, Harry Potter, video games, gardening and yardwork, home remodeling, and any college course I happen to be in, at any given moment. 

I did it again. This time, I did something stupid to my shoulder. My right shoulder. I'm right handed. Add this up and then, feel sorry for me.

Last couple of weeks, I have been dealing with a pinched nerve. I figured out that it was my pillows causing that problem. I solved it by moving my pillows around. Yea! Bye, bye neck and back pain. Now, it's my shoulder.

Tomorrow is my 10th wedding anniversary.

This is us, 10 years ago.

My, how things change. Except how I feel.

I love you, Larry.

so, Maw Maw called and she offered to take Seth for the day, while I went to unemployment. Whew! I love my grandma! She rocks!

Unemployment was the biggest joke! All these questions and never shutting up long enough for me to answer! Ugh!

Anyhoo, after I left there, I went and bought myself a frozen coffee. I also decided that after the kids come home and finish the homework, we will go pick up Dave's Top Hat and bring Daddy his dinner out at HOS!

Don't get me wrong! I love my nephew! But I paid my dues of being tied down with babies and toddlers. I like the freedom that comes with having older children. I never thought I would survive the early years, but I did.

Now, if I can survive the teen years, then I can survive anything! Thank god, for my adopted HOS kids! I learn so much from them! Thanks, guys for letting my practice on ya'll.

Yep, that's all the time I have left with Seth.

The Gala went off without a hitch and now I have to find out about drum lessons for Gage. He wants to play drums so bad. I spent so much time and money on Bri for chorus. Now it's his turn.

School starts again tomorrow and this week I need to go to unemployment. Ugh!

In other words, I have a two week break from school and that means I have some time to have a life!

So, while I was waiting for the rice to cook, I decided to investigate the phenomenon know as Warcraft, or to be more specific, the World of Warcraft. A good bit of my friends seem to be overtaken by this new phenom and, being the nosy creature that I am, I just had to take a look.

Looks interesting. Thought I would partake. Saw the subscription. Have children, a house note and massive amounts of bills required to maintain a house, vehicles and the needs of a husband, a dog and my children.

Cannot partake. Cursed out loud. Smoked a cigarette and wondered if it was all worth it. Cursed again. Smoked another cigarette. Son yelled for me to see a video for a song he liked. Daughter came in to ask me to put her hair up for her performance tonight. Husband called to say he overslept and missed his plane. Spending another night in San Fransico. Cursed again. Smoked a third cigarette.

I smoke too much. Can't afford drugs. Alcohol puts me out of commission. Said a prayer. Need strength. Thought of the alternatives. Didn't like the supposed outcome. Went inside and decided to post.

Now you know why I cannot partake in WoW.

and also why I smoke cigarettes.

yes, it has. seems like forever.

well, the Gala is a little over a week away. Bri isn't nervous yet, but I am. The rehearsal schedule is worse than a weekend at House of Shock.

Speaking of which, building has commenced. Yep, I lose my husband some more. I sure hope that he and I get a long life together because so far, most of it has been spent far apart.

School is coming along, except for some minor financial aid setbacks. But things should improve.

The weight thing is slow right now, but that's mainly due to not focusing on it. Slacking cause slow to no weight loss.

Fatigue, and not the kind ya wear. I get one more good night's sleep before the Almightly Hellhound comes back from San Fransico.

The kids are doing great. Both made the Honor Roll, again. Both got awards and perfect attendance. Now, however, Gage has requested money for grades. Hey, whatever works!

He also just bought himself a pair of the limited edition Slayer tennis shoes from Vans. He is eagerly watching the mail on a daily basis. But he paid for them. So, this is his learning all about the value of a dollar. We'll see how long the shoes last before he needs a new pair.

ok, featherbed is calling my name. goodnight.

how smart am I? I walked around with the sunblock and slathered it on everyone, every single kid we had out there. I even put some on my mom's nose. I slathered everyone but me!  Boy, you should see how red I am.

All I want is a cold shower and a nice dark, cold house and a sofa to sleep on.

hmmm. it's amazing what a simple phone call can accomplish.

Thanks, Larry, Ross and Melissa.

ok, so now, everyone knows we aren't leaving. that's good, i guess.

however, now I find out that there were some who were hoping we would leave so that they could step up. and I thought they were friends.

What-the-fuck-ever! the stepping up part, i don't care about. the thought they were friends part, yeah, i care. but seeing as they don't, i think i might stop.

:evil:

I got an A in that damn computer info systems class.

WooHoo! I rock!

:twisted:

it's late. i'm tired. just finished getting the necessary references I need to write this week's paper for class. another critical thinking class. seems like someone is trying to tell me something.

bought the twins some summer clothes this weekend. bri is not a trend setter and gage just gives me a headache. overall, it was tolerable. i keep remembering that i can not live vicariously through them.

haven't seen much of larry. he's been working alot. its good and bad. the bills are paid, but the kids don't remember what he looks like.

oh, diet update. total lost so far is 13lbs in 7 weeks. that's like 1.8 lbs a week. not a lot, but it's been steady. im thinking it won't be too noticeable until my birthday. it would work out cause then i would need lots of new clothes. I have exactly 30 weeks until my birthday. If i keep it up at 1 lb a week, that will be a total loss of 43 lbs. I'd say people would notice then. that's a definite goal.

um, what's new?

finished that damn computer class. Whew! thank god, that was a bitch.

still watching the baby all week. things are getting easier since I developed a schedule for us.

larry is home, but haven't seen much of him. been working a lot.

kids are doing better, as long as Larry quits jumping the gun and asking questions...to me and not relying on them for accurate information. I understand he wants to be Dad. I get it. That's what I want, too. But he's not home. Even when he isn't working, he is still not home. Vegging on the sofa or in front of the computer for the two hours he is home with them at night is not "being with the kids".

They are getting old enough to figure it out, and unfortunately, it's gonna backfire on him. It's a shame. He loves them so much, but he gets selfish. He hates to hear that, but it's true. Him being an only child sucks. He is all he has ever had to worry about. Granted, things have improved dramatically over the years, but sometimes, he slips back into his old ways.

I don't know. hmm, didn't think I had anything to vent about. ok, Seth is yelling for Buzz Lightyear. I'm off. 

Larry's in San Antonio. I'm in New Orleans.

I hate February 14th.

Kept Seth so Bambi could get some homework done, or school work done. i don't know. She always has something to do. So, he hung out with me and Gage. Brianna had chorus rehearsal today.

It rained and we played Nintendo and watched harry potter. I love hanging with my kids and my nephew.

Ok, so lately there seems to be a recurring theme amongst the blogs of my kids. No, not the biological ones, the “adopted” ones. In fact, the theme was so prominent that one night I got up from the computer completely irritated. Larry, being curious as to why my mood had suddenly changed and knowing it was not “that time”, asked the infamous male stupid question…

“What’s wrong?”

I glared at him. “Wrong. What’s wrong? We have fucked up kids and we didn’t even get to make them all fucked up. That’s what’s wrong?” He silently watched me storm outside and light up a cigarette. For the record, my biological babies were sleeping soundly in their rooms. Larry grabbed his own cigarette and promptly followed. I was pacing.

He repeated his question. I stopped pacing. “It really bothers me that those really good kids have so many messed up notions and ideas about life. It’s almost like they think that now is the time for them to make these life long decisions and most of them are barely legal. What do they know at 18? Hell, Larry, what did we know at 18?”

“Well, I knew you were pregnant with my kid, or kids as it turned out. I think you and I had different upbringings.” I rolled my eyes and resumed pacing. Then, I stopped and I think the conversation ended.

What did we know at 18? Hell, I was 20 and the pregnant one. No jobs, no education, no direction. We didn’t even have a place to stay. What were we thinking? To be honest, we weren’t. We were drinking and partying and having a grand old time. I don’t think “thinking” ever took place. How could it? When I got pregnant, we had only known each other for 3 mos. Most relationships don’t start going sour until 6 mos. By that point, I was 3 mos. pregnant and he was enlisting into the Army.

The pregnancy caused both of us to grow up quick. No running away from this. Well, he could have, but I couldn’t. We had to learn to be strong and we had to realize that life is not nice. It doesn’t care. It will do what it wants and it will continue around you whether you like it or not. It’s called “survival of the fittest”.

Larry never tried to kill himself. I did. Over a boy who broke my heart when I was 14.14! Love doesn’t happen to you when you are 14, or 15, for that matter. Shit, my first taste of love happened when I saw that first sonogram. It happened when this guy I had married, who I had barely known for a year, was giving me a sponge bath because of the stitches from the C-section. And he was being very careful and he made me feel ok, because I was embarrassed about the whole thing.

So, 10 yrs. later, that same guy who gave me that sponge bath is still my husband. But over time he became more than that. He became my best friend. It took many knockdown, drag-out fights, more hateful words and slurs, more tears and broken hearts, shattered feelings and sleepless nights than I care to remember. Now this man of mine wants me to consider leaving home, all the things that I have ever known and loved, for him to achieve some of his personal goals. And here I sit, deciding that, if he thinks moving is the right thing to do, then moving is what we will do.

The point? There is no way of knowing if what you have today is what you will have tomorrow. You can only hope. You can always dream. Life is a gamble, it is full of risks. Beating life at its own game? Only if you are willing to toss the dice and risk losing will you have played the game. I hope all my kids find happy endings.